I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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