oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
