I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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