No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
