I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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