I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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