Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
