so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
