I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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