Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
porn star boner night. come get it.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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