On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
