Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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