She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize