you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
