she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
