I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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