what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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