i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
