I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
