i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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