Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
