dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
