DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Couch. On fire.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
