I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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