I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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