she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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