So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
