If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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