so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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