you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
