So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
