I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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