please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
