I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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