Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize