wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
