Sry I called you an 8
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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