Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
