her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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