I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
