just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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