On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
