i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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