im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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