and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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