I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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