it's too hot outside to masturbate.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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