In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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