I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
