your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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