I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Green mimosas i think yes
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
