i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
