there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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