I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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