I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize