I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
