1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
