i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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