i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
