I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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