My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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