there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
