guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
